Apologize for misrepresentation. I’ve heard that a lot in the wake of the deadly attacks on Charlie Hebdo. As a Christian, I can say that it is frustrating and disheartening when those who claim the same faith as I, yet express it in radically different and sometimes detrimental ways, garner media and cultural attention. The loudest, most provocative, divisive and violent gain the most attention–and those outside the faith think we are all like them.

So there is a story circulating around social media and the Internet that I want to talk about in terms of differentiation. Pastor Stops Funeral After Learning She Was Gay http://bit.ly/1yt3Hiy. When I read this story my knee jerk reaction is like that of any decent person: “how in the world could someone, especially someone who claims the name of Jesus, be that callous?”

Beyond my initial knee jerk reaction, I have lots of questions. How in the world would that Pastor have gotten into the service itself and not realized that the deceased was gay? How in the world would the family ask this particular Pastor to preside over their loved one’s funeral and not know his feelings on homosexuality?

Relationships matter

There was clearly a lack of communication between the family and the Pastor and the church, which in no way excuses the Pastor’s behavior, but leads me to ask more questions.

How could such a terrible miscommunication happen? When I evaluate miscommunications in my own life, I often find that what is at the root of them is a lack of relationship. If I am not in a relationship with someone, I cannot communicate with them. If I am not sitting down, spending time, turning toward someone or making an attempt to connect with them in some way, I cannot expect to effectively communicate with them about my needs, who I am, or expectations I might have about something.

It seems to me that part of the tragedy of this story is that something which ideally would be very relational (the burial of a loved one) was merely transactional. The church received $400 in payment to “do” the service and the family “picked” the church because it was convenient (and apparently the two parties didn’t relate much with each other beyond that).

What if?

With a twinge of sadness I think about “what if”…what if this couple had found a faith community that welcomed them, loved them, struggled with them, prayed for them, welcomed their children, and walked with them through all of life’s highs and lows and ultimately through that final gate at the end of life? How different would this story have been? I guarantee you it wouldn’t be all over the Internet, but would instead have been more quiet, peaceful, whole.

If apologies for misrepresentation are needed, please accept mine. Not all Christians, not all Pastors, would do what this Pastor did. There are lots of Christians and churches who really do strive to welcome all. Our communities are in no way perfect as we succeed and fail, triumph and struggle, get it right and get it wrong…but bound by the love of Jesus, we always find love, grace, acceptance, forgiveness to stay in relationship with each other.

This is the kind of faith community and experience I hope and pray for all people.